Whether you love someone that is struggling with suicidal thoughts, or you are personally struggling with thoughts of hurting yourself, sometimes we just need a simple “in” to start a conversation. A conversation over coffee is one of the many ways to create an opportunity to engage in meaningful discussions that could potentially start you or a loved one down the path for help.
If you’re struggling, it’s okay to share your feelings. To start, you could copy one of these pre-written messages and send it to a trusted contact.
“When you get a chance can you contact me? I feel really alone and suicidal and could use some support.”
“I don’t want to die, but I don’t know how to live. Talking with you may help me feel safe. Are you free to talk?”
“This is really hard for me to say but I’m having painful thoughts, and it might help to talk. Are you free?”
“I’m struggling right now and just need to talk to someone — can we chat?”
Sometimes we experience so much pain, loss, or numbness that we start to feel hopeless—like there is no way out of how we’re feeling. When we feel hopeless or overwhelmed, we may start to have thoughts of suicide. With the right treatment and support, you can overcome feeling suicidal.
If you or someone you know is having suicidal thoughts, it is important to get professional mental health support.
Suicidal thoughts can range from passing thoughts about death, such as wondering what it feels like to die or thinking, “What if I just went to sleep and didn’t wake up?” to specific plans about suicide, such as thinking about how and when you might end your life. Passing thoughts of suicide can get worse if they are not addressed. If you are struggling with any of these feelings or behaviors, it is time to reach out for support:
If you are having suicidal thoughts, it is important that you have regular mental health support through a therapist or school or campus counselor. It’s also important to know when you need to get immediate help.
If you are already having suicidal thoughts, big life changes or tragic events—such as a death in the family, ending a relationship, or getting laid off from a job—can cause those feelings to become more intense or more frequent. If you feel like your suicidal thoughts are getting worse, here are some warning signs to look out for:
If you experience a loss, a sudden life change, or any of these changes in your mood or behavior, reach out for help right away.
If you are feeling suicidal, remember that suicidal feelings can be overcome. Even if your situation feels hopeless now, there are people in your life who care about you and want you here.
You can recover from suicidal feelings with the right support. Seek help immediately if you are having suicidal thoughts, engaging in suicidal behaviors, or planning a suicide attempt. Reach out to an adult you trust—such as a parent, doctor, or counselor—and be honest with them about how you are feeling.
There are people ready to help you at any time of day. Text HOME to 741-741 for a free, confidential conversation with a trained counselor any time of day.
If you feel unsafe right now, text or call 988 or use the chat function at 988lifeline.org.
If this is a medical emergency or there is immediate danger of harm, call 911 and explain that you need support for a mental health crisis.
Is someone you care about in Suicidal Crisis?
Pick a Time and Place to Maximize PrivacyYou want to respect their privacy and minimize the chance you will be interrupted. If this feels like an emergency, however, don’t wait and skip to step nine.
Share your specific concerns. Try phrases like:
“I’m worried because I noticed you [insert things you’ve noticed]. How can I help you through this?”
“It seems like you have been up and down lately. I’ve been there myself. Talking about it really helps.”
You may worry that using the word “suicide” could put the idea in their head, but research shows the opposite is true. Asking someone if they are feeling suicidal can bring them relief, because someone finally acknowledges how badly they are feeling.
You can simply ask:
“Are you thinking about suicide?
“Have you had thoughts about suicide?
If they are not comfortable talking to you, ask them if there is someone else they would feel comfortable talking to. If you’re not worried for their immediate safety, you can let them know you will always be available to talk and ask if it’s OK for you to check in again.
Consult with a professional or someone you trust—a family member, teacher, professor, therapist, or counselor, for example—about next steps.
Just because someone is having—or has had—thoughts of suicide, it does not necessarily mean they are in immediate danger. You can take some time to listen calmly to what they have to say and ask some follow-up questions to figure out how you can help.
You may feel the urge to tell your loved one about all the things they have going for them to try to cheer them up, but that will feel dismissive and make them less likely to open up to you. Here are some alternatives.
What not to say:
“But you’ve got so much going for you!”
“What would I do without you?”
“Think of what this would do to X, Y, Z person.”
What to say instead:
“What you’re feeling sounds really painful and difficult. I don’t have all the answers, but I am here to listen.”
“I’m so glad you told me this. Let’s keep talking.”
“I understand you are really struggling, and I am here to listen.”
If your friend, family member, or loved one is thinking of suicide, they need professional support and the most powerful thing you can do is connect them to it.
Here are some things you can say:
“Let’s connect you with someone who is trained to help you, like a school counselor or therapist.”
“I know there are hotlines with trained counselors you can talk to in confidence. Would you like me to stay with you while you text one?”
If someone is thinking of suicide, they need professional support. It isn’t something you can keep secret. It is possible that they could be upset with you in the short term, but you need to do what’s best for them in the long run.
If your loved one appears to be in immediate distress—they may tell you, but they also may take a more indirect route, like a social media post—you can say:
“I am really worried that you are not safe right now, and I want to connect you to someone who can help you stay safe.”
Then:
It can feel overwhelming to help someone struggling with suicidal feelings. Be sure to take care of yourself by talking to someone you trust or seeking your own support from a therapist. You’ve been a really good support to someone else, so now offer that same care to yourself.
If you are concerned that a friend is having thoughts of suicide, but you don’t know if they are making concrete plans, calmly and directly tell them about your concern. Ask them something like, “I’ve noticed that you’re going through a really hard time. I am concerned that you may be considering suicide. Are you having suicidal thoughts or feeling suicidal?” It may be a difficult conversation to have, but it’s important. It’s also important to understand that research clearly shows that asking someone about suicide does not inspire suicidal thoughts. If a friend/family member confides in you that they are having thoughts of suicide or planning to attempt suicide, there are some ways you can help.
There are people ready to help you at any time of day. Text HOME to 741-741 for a free, confidential conversation with a trained counselor any time of day.
If you feel unsafe right now, text or call 988 or use the chat function at 988lifeline.org.
If this is a medical emergency or there is immediate danger of harm, call 911 and explain that you need support for a mental health crisis.
In memory of Rebecca “Poppy” Hoover, lost to suicide 7/16/19. May the memory of your light help to shine on anyone walking in darkness.
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